4 am the next Morning….
An officer comes to open the cell. Waking me from the tear induced slumber. I heard her say, “Hello, you can go home now..”. As I unraveled myself from the ball that I had wrapped myself in to stay warm on the cold hard metal bench. Still afraid, I got up and walked out of the cell. She handed me my items and told me that I would have to return later that day for my vehicle, as it had been towed to the police department’s tow lot.
The officer then opened the station door and gave me the phone number to a taxi company and told me that I would have to stay outside and wait. After standing outside in the dark and cold for a very painful hour, the reality of my situation began to set in. I arrived home and remember looking at myself in the mirror horrified by my reflection. “What did I just do?!” With mascara stained down my face and on my blouse from crying, I went to lay in my bed hoping to sleep all of the events of the previous night away.
I woke up a few hours later and returned to the station. There I spoke with an officer who informed me that I was summoned to court, for a DUI (Driving under the Influence) arraignment. My heart sank deep into my chest at that moment. What was I going to do? How was I going to get any kind of job now with a criminal record?! I had never been in any kind of legal trouble outside of a speeding ticket at this point and I was truly afraid.
With an even deeper fear of the system, I went to my assigned court dates and even got a lawyer all without telling my friends and family. I was so ashamed of what I had done that I chose to go through this process on my own. I didn’t even tell some of the closest people to me at the time, whom I spoke with or spent time with every day. Not my parents, my friends, or roommates. I was truly living a double life.
Each time I went to court, the dates for the final hearing were held back. I was placed in the position to either plead guilty, which could lead to weeks behind bars (due to my blood alcohol level being off the charts) or to take the case to trial. I was so afraid of the uncertainty that came with either choice so instead of totally losing my mind, I went numb.
In the following weeks between court dates, I allowed myself to drift off into an alternate reality. I continued with my life as usual without saying a word to anyone about my legal predicament. I continued to work, tend to my studies, and even entered back into a relationship with my ex-boyfriend who had also recently moved to the DC area as well. I became fully distracted with life to suppress the fear and anxiety that was happening deep within.
#THINGSFALLAPART
For weeks I was able to live out this charade until I suddenly couldn’t. My life began to unravel around me. My finances were depleted from the lawyer fees, I found out that my “boyfriend” was cheating on me, my grades were suffering, I had several panic attacks…
Heartbroken, broke, isolated, and feeling so far from God...I began to question my life’s worth and what value I even had anymore. Everything that I had to face just seemed so hard. “You’re going to go to jail where the unimaginable will happen to you”, “Your record is going to be ruined”, “You’ll never be eligible for a good job.”, “The man you’re in love with said that you weren’t enough and chose other women over you.”, “You are a failure and disappointment to your family”, “Your life is already over, you might as well end it all.”.....were just a few of the lies that the enemy had on repeat in this 23-year old's mind. I was beyond hopeless.
In this isolated state, the devil really had a grip on me and he literally came for my life….
“The thief only comes to steal, kill, and destroy…” -John 10:10
In my bedroom one morning after I spent an entire night crying, I woke up, messaged a friend telling him that I couldn’t go on any longer and proceeded to swallow several painkillers. A part of me wanted to live but the cloud over my head was so dark that I couldn't even imagine a better tomorrow.
A few minutes later, there were sirens and flashing lights outside of my house. The paramedics that came nearly knocked our door down to get to me and to save my life. Forced into an ambulance, accompanied by my friend who called them. I was rushed to the hospital. I was made to remove my clothing to put on the hospital dress, hooked up to an IV, and was told by a nurse, that they were informed that I was a danger to myself. As my friend sat by my side with sincere concern and worry; for the first time, I finally broke down and expressed to someone what I was experiencing. I told him EVERYTHING. Next came a psychiatrist and physician who performed evaluations. Thankfully I had not overdosed to the point of serious harm but I could not be released until family came to get me. Horrified at the thought of my family knowing what I did, I waited anxiously at the hospital for them to arrive. My mother drove 5 hours from New York to Washington, DC to come get me.
She and I stayed with family that night, where I shared everything with her. We cried and we prayed together. Her exact words to me were, “ I am your mother, there is nothing you could do that would make me love you less. I’m more upset about the fact that you didn’t think that you could tell me and that you had to go through this alone. That hurt me the most.”
Her response was almost like one of God. He loves his children so much, there is nothing that we could do to separate ourselves from his love. When we call out to him he will draw near to us. He will walk with us in the valley.
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” -Psalm 34:18
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” -Romans 8:38-39
That weekend my mother insisted that I went back with her to New York. Though resistant, that trip was exactly what I needed. I needed to be around family, to be loved on, prayed over, and redirected back to my father, God. To be reminded that I was the daughter of a King, who gave my life purpose and meaning before I was even birthed into this earth, who then sent his son to die for my sins. That I was loved on the greatest level. A love that I didn’t earn but was still called worthy of. Then he blessed me with a family that had my back, whose love was also not easily taken away. This truth gave me the strength to keep pushing forward.
I got back to DC and my predicament didn't go away. My license was revoked and I was forced to navigate the city by public transportation. I was placed on probation for 1 year, assigned weekly drug and alcohol testing, mandatory Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and hours of community service. It was bad y'all. I was still working through emotional pain, building up mental strength, and navigating life in this new city. It was FAR from easy. But this time I had a new companion… Jesus Christ. I learned how to really lean on him and seek his face in that season. Whether it was listening to Christian music to be reminded of his truth as I rode the bus to mandatory drug and alcohol testing or praying while scrubbing toilets of an old Church while doing the assigned community service. God met me where I was. He carried me and fought for me in the courtroom, he healed my broken heart, he provided when I had nothing.
"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” -Deuteronomy 31:8
“It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.” -Psalm 119:71
My life has not been perfect since this pivotal season in my life. It was only the beginning of a wild, fun, sometimes confusing, scary, but beautiful journey with Christ. Ultimately what I have learned is that there is nothing like the Father’s redemptive love….NOTHING! <3. His saving grace confirmed that my story wasn’t over. In fact, it was just the beginning!
P.S.- I was terrified to share this story for YEARS, but I finally have peace to release it. As God’s word reminded me, that our lives are not about us. Also that it’s our testimony and our truth that will set others free.
“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony, and they loved not their lives unto the death.” -Revelation 12:11
I’d love to hear your testimony and what has brought you to Christ! Also, feel free to reach out to me for prayer if you don’t even know where to begin.
Love you all, and God loves you more! Until next time….. <3
