The human heart is a tricky thing. Even the Word says it’s evil and that we can't fully know our own hearts sometimes. (“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” - Jeremiah 17:9) This might sound trivial or like "word salad" to a hardened spirit, but it offers relief and understanding to a heart soft enough to receive the truth. God already knows the challenges of the heart and the nature of the human beings He created. He already knows it’s prone to wickedness and evil.
I hadn't realized just how hardened my heart had become until a recent therapy session led me back to quiet time with God today. It was a moment free of distraction: just me, God, my printed Bible, and ears seeking to hear. As the truth continued to reveal itself, I realized I had become so hard. I had not been receiving God’s word for myself. As I write this, I’m genuinely reflecting on the state of my heart and spirit, and how I got here:
I recently started a new job, not out of desire, but out of necessity. I was one of the 300k+ Black women laid off as a result of the siege on the United States federal government. I cried many tears over that loss, and I’ve only partially processed it. I had to quickly move forward to find gainful employment and make myself marketable in this grueling job market. It was challenging, to say the least, after spending nine years with the same employer—four in person and five remotely—and working with people I loved. So much of my identity and security was wrapped up in that job, and just like that, it was swept away without regard for what it meant to me. It hurt like hell. I was frustrated, scared, sad, and grieving. Yet, in the midst of that grief, I had to keep going, keep trucking forward, and prepare to be thrown back into the job market without space to heal. I immediately started studying day and night for a project management certification to pivot my career.
By the grace and favor of our Almighty God, and without a gap in employment, I obtained a project management position. I’m earning more than I was previously, which also elevated me into a level of decision-making and leadership I hadn’t known before. I am truly grateful for this, but it has not come without struggle. My plate is overflowing: extremely early mornings (3 am, to be exact) to make time for my health and fitness (something I let slip when I first started, which led to visible weight gain); rushed and anxiety-driven Sunday afternoons meal prepping for the week due to my hour-plus commute each way; managing a leadership role within my church that requires time and care for the souls entrusted to me, along with weekly events; learning an entirely new job and organization while being trained by a watchful (micromanaging) eye; trying to keep my home running well, spending time with my husband, and still finding time to check in on family and friends. Some of these things I feel entitled to complain about, and some are truly great responsibilities to be trusted with. However, even "good things" can feel weighted when there is no balance—just more and more being added to the plate. I’ve been exhausted, depleted, and running on empty. Doing, doing, doing. Going, going, going. Managing, managing, managing. I've been burnt out several times over for what is now going on a year.
Recently, in a therapy session paid for by my employer—the irony! Employee-sponsored therapy for a job that’s driving me back to therapy! Ha! On a serious note, as I expressed this burnout and overwhelm to my therapist (who is a believer, by the way—we’ll discuss the importance of that in another post), she asked me, “When do you find time to pray?”
Insert the “You know what? hand on chin” GIF. She stopped me right there; I was shook. You mean to tell me I’ve been running like this without a prayer life? She shined a light on a blind spot I had completely overlooked. I wanted to shake myself: How could this be? I’m in ministry, right? I pray for others regularly, right? I call on God to help me get through each day, right? Yes, to all of the above. But what she was really asking, and I knew it, was: When do you spend time with God for you? When do you get poured into by God? When do you just sit and listen to Him?
The reality is, I haven’t had this true, intimate time with Him. It's only been for survival, like a beggar, or carrying the collective burdens of others, or simply consuming interpretations of His word from sermons and "faith-based" content, which often creates more noise than clarity. Don’t get me wrong, we are to pray for our brothers, sisters, and this world, and there are some incredible Bible teachers out there. However, we can only truly love and pour out for others in a sustainable way from a cup that is full within ourselves first—fueled by a personal relationship with our heavenly Father. My life became so busy with all the things I “had to do,” the commitments, the inner critic, and the optics of it all. I’ve been relying on myself, trying to do it all and take care of myself, not stopping to rest and delight in time with God, casting my cares and anxieties on Him, truly listening, and receiving His yoke.
(“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” - Matthew 11:29)
I walked away from that therapy session with a little more hope and with an action item that I want to share—one I’ll be incorporating into this season of my life. Here goes...
When there’s an abundance of noise you can turn on—during your commute like me, a road trip, or even daily errands—try turning off the literal noise. You don’t need a sermon, a podcast, or a YouTube video to hear from God. While those things can supplement and confirm, when they’re filled with charisma, pride, or mere antidotes, you’re not always getting the truest form of God’s truth. It can often just add more clutter to your mind. You must have His true, unfiltered word in your heart. That's where the softening happens, where the alignment happens, and where you get centered and on the path to healing.
I look forward to replacing my heavy consumption time with dedicated time with God: just talking, receiving, and locking in with the Creator of the universe. Like, really... how cool is that, that we genuinely get to talk to Him directly? I'm hoping that reframing and using this portion of my days will unlock things that help me find freedom and abundance of peace in the areas of my life that truly need it and I hope that you do as well, if you’re experiencing something similar.
Check back in soon,
Now, go spend time with God smooches :-)
